When it comes to reading the Bible, an odd thing happens as we get older. We quit reading it as much for fun and more often read it the same way we would a driver’s ed manual.
I’m completely guilty of this.
When I was kid I used love hearing the stories of David and Goliath and Noah and Jesus making all those fish sandwiches, even though I always pictured fish sticks sandwiches in my mind, which are totally disgusting. I used to actually request to hear Bible stories.
But then something happened. I’m not sure when, but somewhere along the line I got this notion that I was supposed to search the Bible each time I read it for some hidden message, which quickly devolved into reading for rules. Reading for rules is never fun.
Now I’m not saying we shouldn’t search for deep meanings in the Bible. We should.
But I am saying there should be times when we just open up the book, read a story and embrace the joy that comes from hearing about God’s people in the past.
Sure, we’re adults, but It’s still OK to just read the Bible for fun sometimes and it’s OK if when you’re done, you’re only thought is, ‘man, that was cool.’
So in light of that, I present you with a super condensed version of a story I find super entertaining and very Saturday Night Live sketch-worthy. (If only they wouldn’t screw it up.)
From the 3rd chapter of Judges: “Ehud verses Eglon.”
The Israelites kept screwing up, so God punished them by putting King Eglon of Moab in control of them.
Eglon was this super evil and super fat guy. I’m not talking John Goodman fat, I’m talking “Pizza the Hut” fat.
God’s people cried out, so God decided to send a southpaw named Ehud to assassinate the evil king.
Ehud strapped a double-edged sword to his right leg and grabbed a bag of money, saying he wanted to give it to Eglon as a tribute.
Most folks back then were righties and carried their swords on their left thighs, so Ehud was able to slip the sword past the guards, who we later find out were kind of stupid anyway.
He went up to Eglon, told him he had a secret message, to which Eglon responded by sending away all his cronies.
Once they were gone, Ehud stuck the dagger so far into Pizza the Hut, that the fat swallowed it and of course Ehud didn’t try to get it out because likely was it not only disgusting, but I’m guessing Eglon was also a pretty zitty dude.
Oh and the Bible also says the king’s “bowels emptied.” Or as my grandpa would have said, “the fella s*&% his britches.” (I’d liked to have heard more Bible stories from that guy.)
Ehud locked the door and left via the porch.
Now this is my favorite part, so I’m just going to copy it straight from the Bible.
“After Ehud was gone, the king’s servants returned and found the doors to the upstairs room locked. They thought he might be using the latrine in the room, 25 so they waited.”
No one, and I mean no one, bothers their boss while he’s on the toilet.
Here’s the thing though, and I didn’t think about this till today, they didn’t see Ehud come out, so we can only assume they thought Ehud was still in there while Eglon was doing his business. So you have to wonder, was this a common practice? Was Eglon one of these creepy toilet talking folks? You know the type that feel like they need a buddy in there? Sorry if you are that guy, but I find that disturbing.
Anyway, they eventually go in, find him dead, and the Israelites defeat the Moabites. The end.
Now I’m sure there’s plenty of lessons to be taught from this story, but I’m not going to be the one to give them to you. At least not today. I just find it to be a really interesting and pretty funny story.